Hercules took in a deep breath, and sighed contentedly. "What a beautiful morning!" he said with a smile.
"Uh, buddy, in case you haven't noticed, it's been pouring for five days. We're cold, soaked, and I'm hungry," Iolaus said looking up at his friend like he was nuts; which was something, deep down, he'd always suspected anyway.
"Oh come on, Iolaus, The rain brings life to so many" Hercules said
"Help, I'm drowning!" A voice called
"...and death to so many more." Iolaus replied, as he followed his friend towards the flooded river.
"Just hold on!" Hercules shouted to the middle aged man in the center of the river clinging desperately to an algae covered rock. The man nodded as if the idea of holding on hadn't already occurred to him. Iolaus noted that there we're no other rocks in the river. Herc lifted a fallen log as easily as if it were made of Styrofoam -or something- and held it out to the terrified man, who immediately latched onto it, and was pulled to safety.
"There you go" Herc said tossing the log into the river.
"Oh thank you so much!" the man gushed as he clutched Herc's hand.
"What were you doing out here anyway?" Iolaus asked.
"The well in my village has gone dry. I came up here to get some water I just, fell in," The man explained. Iolaus stared gape mouthed at the man, then looked up, blinking the falling rain from his eyes, and looked back at the man. Hercules, however, didn't seem to notice anything strange about the situation.
"You need to be more careful from now on," Hercules said picking up the bucket that happened to be laying b the edge of the river, completely full of water. The man walked over to Herc, leaving Iolaus, still staring completely baffled, at the spot where the man had been.
"I will, believe me. Thank you again," he said taking the bucket and trotting away towards his village.
"It's great helping people isn't it?" Herc asked. Iolaus finally just shrugged and turned around to his friend and partner, who was sitting on a very familiar, yet dry, fallen log.
"Sure it is Herc," Iolaus said watching the tree suspiciously, as if it were going to come alive and attack them both.
"Is something wrong Iolaus?" Hercules asked, completely oblivious.
"It's just, things are a little weird today," Iolaus summed up.
"Breakfast probably didn't agree with you. Things will get better later," Hercules told him, standing up and patting Iolaus supportingly on the shoulder.
"You're right, it's probably just my imagination," Iolaus admitted, stomach rumbling, "I hope," he muttered under his breath.
"What?" Herc asked.
"Oh nothing," Iolaus said, lost in his own jumbled thoughts.
"Well come on, let's get to the coast. Morrigan's ship is supposed to be in today," Hercules said happily.
"Who's Morrigan?" Iolaus asked in confusion. Out of no where,dramatic music exploded around them, and a booming voice announced:
"This is a story of a time long ago A time of myth and legend. When the ancie-"
"Hey! We're still in the middle of our conversation here!" Iolaus shouted.
"Sorry I'll wait."
"Yeah come on; hurry, Iolaus!" Hercules said cheerfully motioning for Iolaus to follow. Iolaus sighed and looked up at the sky.
"This is going to be a very long day" As Iolaus ran to catch up with Hercules, the booming voice and the music returned.
"This is a story of a time long ago a time of myth and legend. When the ancient gods were petty and cruel and plagued mankind with suffering. Only one man dared challenge their power. Hercules! Hercules possessed a strength the world had never seen. A strength surpassed only by the power of his heart. He traveled the world battling the minions of his wicked stepmother Hera, the all powerful queen of the gods. But, where ever there was evil, where ever an innocent would suffer, there would be Hercules!" (Staring: Kevin Sorbo Also Staring: Michael Hurst)
***
"Captains' log, star-date, 2065.31. We have, just, discovered an, uncharted planet, that looks, exactly, like the last, uncharted planet we were at, only, orange. My second in command, Spock, has informed me that there is no, human life on, the planet, just, like the last, planet, where we were, attacked by human savages, that, had landed there, years before, as a mining colony. I have, chosen a landing party, consisting of Bones, Scotty, Spock and myself"
"Captain, our scanners have just picked up some sort of civilization on the planet's surface," Spock announced from his station.
"Is it, human, Spock?" Kirk asked turning dramatically towards the Vulcan.
"It appears to be Captain," Spock replied. "Do you think it is still logical to take the landing party down?"
"Yes, Spock, I think, it will, be alright. After all, what are the chances, they'd...attack us?" Kirk said getting up from his seat. "Come, let us, prepare to leave."
"Of course," Spock said following Kirk down to the transporter room, shaking his head."Illogical humans" .
"Are we, ready?" Kirk asked taking his place with Bones and Scotty who had been waiting.
"Ready as can be sir," the technician said looking over the control panel and pressing buttons as Spock took his place.
"Then, energize," Kirk commanded.
"Energizing"
***
Iolaus walked quietly beside Hercules, still pondering over the weird feeling in his gut. He had always relied on his instincts before, but now he wasn't sure what to do. The pouring rain had slowed, then finally stopped. Iolaus smiled, looking up at the now clear sky and shook water from his soaked golden hair.
He glanced over at Hercules and froze. "HOW THE?!"
"What?" Herc asked looking back to where Iolaus had stopped.
"You... You're completely dry!" Iolaus exclaimed.
"Well it stopped raining," Hercules said with a shrug.
"But but" Iolaus stuttered pulling at his dripping clothing. "What is going on?" he asked under his breath. He sighed and caught up with his friend. "Are you sure you haven't noticed anything strange today Herc?"
"No, nothing. Why?" Herc replied glancing over at his partner. "Iolaus! You're all wet!" Iolaus stared absurdly at Hercules.
"Yes, I am soaking wet. That is what happens when someone gets caught in the rain," he said slowly, his temper rising.
"Are you feeling alright Iolaus?" Herc asked reaching a hand out to place on Iolaus's forehead. Iolaus batted Hercules's hand away and pushed past him.
"What did I say?" Herc said to himself as Iolaus quickly down the road by himself.
***
"This a fascinating planet," Spock said standing before, but ignoring, a statue of a sparsely dressed woman.
"Very," Kirk said, staring intently at the statue with Bones and Scotty.
"It reminds me a lot of Earth, years ago!" Bones said. Suddenly, out of no where, a woman appeared beside the statue in a shower of golden hearts.
"Hey, flyboys, I'd appreciate a little respect here?" Leave gifts or move on. I'm a little tired of guys playing 'Stare at the love goddess's breast'," Aphrodite said in an exasperated, Californian accent.
"I'm terribly sorry miss," Bones began, "But did you just say you were the Goddess of Love?" Aphrodite stared in confusion at the strangely dressed perverts.
"Hello! What plague star did you guys fall from? You've been drooling at my shrine for the last ten minutes and you don't recognize me?" Spock raised an eyebrow and Kirk simply shook his head.
"So you claim to be Aphrodite, the Greek Goddess of Love?"
"Impossible! This is come kind of trick! Jim, don't you remember when we met that man who claimed to be Apollo?" Bones said.
"Believe me, I do!" Scotty said.
"Well he was a hoax and so is she!"
"Quite right Bones," Kirk said looking at Aphrodite skeptically.
"A HOAX!" Aphrodite growled, and blasted Bones and Kirk with a shower of glittering gold hearts. Just as the hearts hit the men, Ares appeared behind them.
"Hey sis, what did..." he began, then stopped as Kirk and Bones looked at Ares and rushed to his side. Kirk tried to run his fingers through Ares' hair while Bones ran a finger down his bicep. Without thinking, which is usual for Ares, he flattened the two men with a single punch then turned to Aphrodite.
"What did you just do?" he asked through clenched teeth as Spock and Scotty rushed to their comrades' sides.
"They made me angry so I blasted them. They were supposed to fall in love with each other, but you got in the way, as usual," Aphrodite explained crossing her arms under her breasts. "They said that I was a HOAX and" Ares cut her off with a wave of his hand.
"How long will it last?" Aphrodite grinned.
"Don't worry. It'll wear off in a couple of days, just stay away from them." Ares snarled and pointed a finger at his sister.
"It had better or we're going to have a very long talk!" Aphrodite laughed, undaunted as ever and vanished. Ares glared at Spock thumped a finger on his chest.
"I don't know who or what you are you pointy eared freak, but you'd better tell your pals not to mess with the God of War!" At that Ares vanished. Spock looked over at Scotty then down at his unconscious friends, then at the spot where Aphrodite had been and raised an eyebrow.
"Fascinating."
***
Iolaus walked into the small town alone. He had gotten frustrated and left Hercules back on the road. He wandered through the streets and was starting to feel better. Besides the familiar looking people, nothing strange or out of place had happened in over an hour.
Iolaus let out a contented sigh and turned a corner, ramming into someone.
"I'm so sorry!" Iolaus apologized
"Watch where you're going!" the lady said. Both people stopped and stared at each other. Iolaus stood face to face with an older woman. She was his exact height, or would be if not for the high heels. She had bright blue eyes and curly gray hair that was pulled back.
"Oh my, but you're a handsome brute!" The older woman exclaimed.
"I know," Iolaus said, then raised a curious eyebrow. "But do I know you from somewhere?"
"I should say not! I would certainly remember a man of your caliber," the woman said pulling out a fan from the folds of her dress and fanning herself. "I am the Widow Twanky. Might I have the pleasure or your name?" Iolaus continued staring at her for a moment longer, trying to figure out what was so familiar about her.
"Iolaus."
"Iolaus!" she exclaimed. "The partner of Hercules?!"
"You know him I take it,"
"Know him? Why, I'm his dance instructor!" Iolaus choked out a laugh and sat down on a strategically placed crate.
"Dance instructor? You must be mistaken, Hercules doesn't dance!"
"That's exactly what he said when he came to me, begging for instruction to win a dance tournament," Twanky said taking the crate that was conveniently placed opposite of Iolaus.
"Tournament? Hercules?"
"Oh yes, my dear, and quite a fine dancer he was too! He took a fancy too me if I recall correctly," Twanky blushed.
Iolaus laughed at the thought of his friend in the middle of a dance floor. "I'd like to hear more about this"
Iolaus wiped tears of laughter from his eyes as he saw Hercules walking up. Herc looked from Iolaus to the grinning Widow Twanky, and groaned.
"Well if it isn't the dancing fool himself!" Iolaus said.
"Very funny Iolaus. I see you're feeling better," Herc said.
"I'm feeling quite well now," Iolaus replied grinning. "So how about it Herc? Gonna show me some of those famous moves? C'mon." Widow Twanky chuckled from her seat.
"I'm not going to have this conversation with you. I did what I did to help someone," Hercules said.
"Alright then. You can just stand there and I can make fun of you," Hercules grinned at Iolaus.
"You're just jealous 'cause you ain't got the moves."
"Keep dreaming buddy. I could dance circles around you!" Iolaus said laughing.
"Just like you could beat me in a fight, correct?"
"I'll have you know I've learned some pretty good moves since we last fought!" Iolaus said defensively.
"The ability to run is not a tactical advantage," Hercules replied evenly.
"Boys, boys. Arguing is no way to solve a disagreement. No matter how amusing it is," Twanky cut in.
"You know, you're absolutely right, let's go Herc!" Iolaus said nodding in agreement with Twanky. He stood up and latched onto Herc's sleeve and pulled him away from town with Twanky following.
"Iolaus, I'm not going to fight you," Hercules said when he realized what Iolaus was up to.
"What's the matter buddy? Chicken? Afraid I might beat you this time?" Iolaus said playfully tapping Herc in the face.
"Iolaus, we're not going to do this."
"I think you're honestly afraid you'll loose and look bad in front of everyone," Iolaus said, noticing the small crowd or people, including Twanky. Iolaus punched Herc in the stomach, not very hard, just enough to annoy him.
"Iolaus, I'm warning you!" Hercules growled as Iolaus continued to bounce around, taunting him.
"Ooh" Iolaus countered. "Wook at my widdle hands quiver" Iolaus said wobbling his fingers.
"Okay, that's it!" Herc said drawing back his fist.
"Excuse me?" A dramatic voice called from down the road. Iolaus turned to look, but Hercules didn't realize that and punched poor Iolaus in the gut, sending him flying. He landed hard on top of Kirk.
"Oops," Hercules said as the people around laughed. Someone laughed evilly just beside Herc's shoulder and Ares appeared out of no where.
"Nice shot bro. That was truly admirable," Ares said with a proud grin. Hercules rolled his eyes and ran over to Iolaus who was getting up. "I didn't know you had it in you" Ares stopped when he saw Kirk and Bones, "Gotta go, bye!" and vanished.
"Are you alright?" Hercules asked taking Iolaus's hand to help steady him.
"That was not fair! I call a rematch!" Iolaus said pointing at the tree beside Herc.
"Iolaus, I'm over here," Hercules said. "What about you, are you alright?" he asked Kirk who was being helped up by Bones and Spock.
"That was quite a display of strength," Kirk said shaking his head as Bones ran his medical scanner over him. "But yes, I believe, I'm fine."
"What is that thing?" Iolaus asked.
"I don't know Iolaus," Herc said staring at the strangely dressed people.
"What? You've never seen one of these before?" Bones asked holing out the scanner. Herc and Iolaus both took a nervous step back.
"Um no," Herc said eyeing the device suspiciously. Bones chuckled.
"Don't worry about this. It's just a little bio-wave scanner."
"Uh huh" Iolaus said. He stopped and looked around. "Hey, where did the crowd go and Widow Twanky?"
"How did you know about Twanky?" Hercules asked.
"We, but Herc, think back. What started our fight?" Iolaus asked.
"I don't remember, but that's not important now. We have another plot twist," Herc told him.
"Oh no, here we go again," Iolaus sighed in defeat.
"Who is this Widow Twanky?" Kirk asked with great interest.
"She would be our great Hercules's dance instructor," Iolaus said sarcastically.
"Hercules?" Kirk and Bones exclaimed.
"Fascinating," Spock added.
"What?" Hercules asked.
"You're Hercules?" Kirk asked.
"Uh, yeah. Last time I checked anyway."
"Jim, where are we?" Bones asked at last.
"That would Greece, not too far from Thrace actually," Iolaus chimed in.
"Greece! That would mean we're on Earth!" Kirk said.
"That statement would be correct," Iolaus said.
"Spock, is this possible?" Kirk asked.
"It doesn't seem logical Jim," Spock told him.
"Well logical or not, that's where you are," Hercules told them.
"Is it possible that when we had the problems with the Enterprise, we slipped into some alternate dimension?" Bones asked.
"That's highly improbable Doctor," Spock replied, Bones just shrugged, but Kirk would not be swayed.
"Then how do you explain us being in ancient Greece?"
"Jim, you've never cared how we've gotten into the past before, why start worrying now?" Bones asked.
"I'm taking a guess and saying you're not from around here," Hercules said.
"That conjecture would be correct," Spock confirmed.
"We are from the future," Kirk said dramatically as background music sounded. Iolaus stopped and looked around.
"What was that?"
"What was what?" Herc asked.
"It sounded like weird dramatic music when he said they were from the future,"
"I didn't hear, anything," Kirk said.
"Are you sure you're alright? Maybe you hit your head when you fell," Bones said taking a step towards Iolaus.
"No I'm fine! Really!" Iolaus said backing away. "And I didn't fall, I was thrown," he glared over at Hercules.
"You say you're from our future. Can you tell us what happens?" Hercules asked, suddenly oblivious to Iolaus.
"Well in a few thousand years you will perfect space travel," Kirk said.
"That's after three world wars," Spock added.
"Medicine and ways of living will improve as technology is developed," Bones said.
"Okay, how do you explain him?" Hercules asked pointing to Spock.
"I am not entirely human," Spock replied.
"His species comes from another planet," Kirk explained.
"Oh, I was figuring he was a giant fairy or something," Iolaus said raising an eyebrow.
"Well look, why don't we take you back to town and get you some, local, cloths," Hercules said with a disapproving look at their attire.
"That would be a most logical action. We will be able to move more freely and blend in better," Spock said.
"Yeah, that's kinda the idea. Come on," Iolaus said turning to follow Hercules.
"Well what are we waiting for?" Bones asked walking after them.
"Oh, Hercules, Iolaus, you're back! And you've brought friends!" Widow Twanky said eyeing the newcomers like a piece of steak. "But what in the name of the Gods are you wearing?"
"We need to find them some new clothes. Think you can help?" Hercules asked.
"Indeed! I know just the place! Follow me!" Twanky said leading the way, and off they went to by Kirk, Bones, and Spock some new clothing.
"You know Jim, this would be the perfect opportunity to prove there really were Greek Gods. That they weren't just myths," Bones whispered, glancing over at Hercules and Iolaus who were talking with the store owner. Widow Twanky had left to take care of some things. He pulled on his new leather vest.
"I've been thinking, just that," Kirk said. "But how would we prove it without bringing one with us?"
"Well if this man truly is the Hercules of your ancient legends, then he's the strongest man who has ever lived. The only logical thing to do would be to test him in some fashion," Spock said, pulling the gaudy hat over his head.
"Right! There's a listing in the lab of the strongest men tested. We can compare his physiology to that list," Bones said. "Good ideas my friends. Bones, call up to the Enterprise and have them send that information to your scanner," Kirk ordered.
"I was just about to Jim," Bones said flipping open the communicator. "This is Doctor McCoy, come in Enterprise, Enterprise, come in?"
"What seems to be the matter doctor?" Spock asked.
"Something must be wrong with this communicator," Bones said tapping it with the heel of his hand.
"Let me try mine," Kirk said pulling out his own communicator. "Enterprise, this is Captain Kirk, come in at once!"
"Enterprise?" Spock asked trying his as well.
"Spock, what could be wrong?" Kirk asked.
"I don't know Jim, but our phasers still work."
"And the scanner," Bones added.
"Is there a problem?" Hercules asked, finally noticing the men were having trouble.
"Some one must be jamming us!" Kirk said dramatically. "But who would be able to do that here?"
"Well I would of course," a deep, demonic voice whispered. The three flyboys turned around with a startled yelp.
"What is your probl" Herc started, words dying in his throat when he saw the tall cloaked figure standing in the corner.
"Who are you?" Iolaus asked, undaunted by the stranger.
"I'm the one that will turn your lives into complete chaos," the figure hissed evilly.
"But why?" Kirk asked. The figure shrugged, which looked completely uncharacteristic, and chuckled a deep throaty laugh.
"Let's just say I'm bored, and I'm easily amused."
"Okay, so why us?" Hercules asked. The figure shrugged again.
"You won't be the only ones, believe me," the figure whispered cruelly and vanished into thin air.
"Who was that? Was that a God?" Kirk asked desperately.
"None that I know of," Hercules said with a perplexed expression. "We'll be able to deal with it later though."
"Yeah, let's go," Iolaus said walking out with Hercules after they paid for the clothes.
"Hey, Herc, where do you get your money?" Iolaus asked once outside. "I mean, we both know where mine comes from, the farm, but what about you?"
"I don't really know Iolaus. I'm just happy it's there when I need it," Hercules said walking down the road. Another cloaked figure appeared beside Kirk and whispered in a devilish voice.
"Give me your so... no, not you," the figure vanished and reappeared next to Iolaus. "Give me your soul" Iolaus jumped and looked over.
"Oh, not you again!" A girls child-like giggle escaped from the hood of the cloak. Suddenly Iolaus's right foot was bare and his boot appeared in the figure's hand. The stranger took off running, it's hood flying back to reveal a young woman. She laughed hysterically shouting all the way:
"I've got your sole, I've got your sole" Iolaus dashed after her and grabbed her by the arm.
"Hey" she protested trying to pull free. "That's my arm!" She squealed as Iolaus snatched his boot back.
"And that's my shoe!" he growled pulling it back on.
"I was just having some fun. I woulda returned it. It smelled too bad to keep for long anyway!"
"Having fun! Like you were having fun with our communicators earlier?" the girl cocked her head and Herc and Iolaus gave Kirk a strange look.
"I didn't touch your communicators, Bryn did!"
"Bryn?" Hercules asked.
"That's what I said. Now can I have my arm back pleeease?" Iolaus released her.
"What can you tell us about this Bryn?"
"Everything! anything somethings nothing"
"Okay."
"She's my sister! She's chaos and I'm mischief okay actually she's Bryn and I'm Dagan. She plots and this time she's plotting against you. See ya!"
"Wait!" Iolaus called. "What is she plotting?"
"Who?"
"Bryn!"
"How did you know about my sister?"
"You just you Argh! Never mind!"
"Okay!" With that she vanished.
An hour later, Hercules was leading the small group down a dirt path. No one really knew where they were going, they were just going. Suddenly, a tiny voice whispered in Kirk's ear.
"The fat man walks alone" Kirk turned to Bones.
"What did you say?"
"Nothing Jim," Bones replied perplexed.
"Oh." A moment later, the whispered voice returned, more determined.
"The fat man walks alooooone" Kirk whirled around to face Bones.
"Now I know you said something!"
"Are you going mad? Damnit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a psychiatrist!" Hercules and Iolaus turned around.
"Is something wrong?" Herc asked curious.
"Oh our brave captain is hearing things over here!"
"Oh," Herc said turning back around, continuing down the path to who-knows-where. Iolaus looked as though he wanted to say something, but shrugged instead and kept walking. Kirk hadn't taken two steps before he heard:
"The faaaaaat man walks aloooooooone!" Kirk shrieked and ran ahead. Spock raised an eyebrow as his captain screamed and smacked the sides of his head while running in a zigzag pattern.
"Fascinating."
***
Bryn sat back in her ornate throne, watching her sister torment the once strangely dressed captain. Kirk was now running madly down the road while the others stood by, watching him in slight fear. With a malicious grin, Bryn moved a large rock in the terrified man's way.
With out realizing the rock had moved, Kirk toppled over the rock and rolled the rest of the way down the hill.
"Jim!" the doctor yelled running after him, followed by the man with the pointed ears. Hercules and Iolaus remained where they were chuckling at the crazy man's mishap.
"Wasn't that was a bit childish?" a voice asked from beside Bryn. She cast an evil, annoyed look down at the bodiless head.
"You remember what happened last time you said something I did was childish?" Bryn asked raising an eyebrow. The head's eyes looked down to where his body used to be.
"Of course, how could I forget?" the head asked. "You can't really do much to me now though."
"You'd be surprised," Bryn hissed.
***
"Jim, are you alright?" Bones asked reaching Kirk. Kirk sat up with Spock's help and looked around in a daze.
"The fat man walks alone" Kirk muttered quietly.
"What did you say Captain?" Spock asked leaning closer.
"The fat man walks alone! The fat man walks alone!" Kirk screamed, fighting Spock, "THE FAT MAN WALKS" Bones frowned as he gave Kirk a sedative, instantly quieting the man.
"Thank you," Iolaus said as they caught up.
"Any idea what just happened?" Bones asked Spock, ignoring Herc and Iolaus.
"It appears that our Captain has gone completely insane. As for the reason I will have to work on some theories I have."
"I have a couple ideas," Iolaus said looking around suspiciously.
"Come on, there's a town just up the road," Hercules said.
"Hey Herc, where were we going in the first place?" Iolaus asked off handedly.
"You ask too many questions Iolaus," Hercules said walking away.
"I but hey wait!" Iolaus said running to catch up.
"Here, give him this," Hercules said handing Bones a mug of mead. Bones put the cup to Kirk's lips. After a moment Kirk took the mug and was drinking on his own.
"Are you alright Jim?" Spock asked raising an eyebrow. Kirk finished off the mug and looked at his second in command.
"Yes I feel, much better now," Kirk said.
"Damnit Jim what happened back there?" Bones asked.
"I'm, not sure," Kirk said striking a thoughtful pose. "I just kept hearing a voice. It was repeating 'the fat man walks alone'. That's all I can really remember," Hercules and Iolaus both chuckled quietly into their mugs of mead.
"You must not be used to all this walking. The heat must be getting to your brain," Iolaus said, "if there's one in that fat head," he muttered into his mug as he took a drink.
"What?" Kirk asked.
"Nothing."
"A good nights sleep will do you good," Hercules said.
"I must say I agree, Jim," Bones said. "Let's find a place to stay."
"Tell me again why we didn't stay somewhere in the town?" Kirk asked as he rolled a blanket out on the ground.
"It's a nice night out here. Fresh air, cool breeze, soft ground" Hercules said, settling comfortably on his newly made pallet.
"I doubt the beds would be much more comfortable than the ground anyway Jim," Bones whispered.
"Quite right doctor," Spock added.
"Well, goodnight then," Kirk said, lying down.
***
"You don't know where the dark man walks" a tiny voice whispered in Kirk's ear. He sat up with a gasping choke.
"Is something wrong Jim?" Kirk looked over at Spock who didn't show any signs of having been asleep. He again heard the voice.
"They can't hear that which isn't real It's in your mind. Everything's a dream. That's why you don't know where the dark man walks! Crazy people don't know the fat man walks alone"
"Captain?"
"It's, nothing Spock. I just thought I heard something." By this time the others were awake and watching him.
"Something?" the voice whispered tauntingly. "You hear nothing, nothing, nothing" it sang softly in a woman's voice now.
"Please, where are you?" Kirk yelled.
"Maybe in a tree, maybe in your head, maybe right beside you" Kirk leapt up and ran to the tree, firing his phaser into the foliage. Hercules jumped up and yanked Kirk back.
"What do you think you're doing?"
"I'm going to kill the voice!" Kirk yelled neurotically. "I've got too!!"
"Would you calm down!" Iolaus said. "there's nothing up there!"
"I know!!!" Kirk screamed rushing for the tree again. Iolaus got up and punched him squarely in the face. Kirk went down hard, landing on his back, unconscious.
"Why don't you just relax?" Iolaus told the unconscious man pointedly. Pearls of laughter erupted from a high branch in the scorched tree. Suddenly a small figure fell out of the tree with a soft thud. Undaunted by the fall, Dagan kept laughing hysterically, holding her stomach. Kirk stood up and shook his head, then rushed over to the young girl, trying to help her up.
"Are you okay?" Kirk asked. The girl let out a little scream and rushed to hide behind Iolaus.
"Help!" she squeaked.
"What?" Kirk asked looking around. "What is it?"
"Back demon!" she growled. Iolaus rolled his eyes and turned to her.
"You again!"
"Yeah, why not?"
"So it was you driving him crazy?" Dagan wrinkled her nose and looked at the disturbed Captain who was surrounded by his two man crew.
"Oh come one. Like it'd take more than a gentle tap to shove that psycho off the edge!"
"What reason could you possibly have to hate that man so much?" Dagan grabbed Iolaus's chin and turned it to Kirk, who was still frantically searching for the "mysterious" voices.
"I see your point," Herc walked over to Dagan and frowned apologetically.
"You can't be here," he said.
"Why?" Dagan asked sounding hurt.
"He said so," Hercules replied pointing to a man in coke-bottle glasses and a business suit. The man nodded.
"According to 'Hercules, the Legendary Journeys' format section 6.3, and quote 'No more than one person or related group may accompany Hercules per episode,' end quote," Out of no where a dark cloaked figure appeared.
"Then perhaps you should be leaving," Bryn hissed in her dark, demonic voice. The man looked at her in slight fear just before he exploded into flames.
"Spontaneous combustion!" she said in a relatively normal, but excited voice. She nodded agreeably and vanished.
"She's worse than Ares," Iolaus commented quietly to Herc who just nodded.
"Not really spontaneous if you knew it was going to happen sis," Dagan commented to no one in particular then turned back to Herc and Iolaus.
"She really doesn't like it when people try to spoil her fun or make her mad. Though not many people do like being made mad or else they wouldn't be mad, they'd be happy, in which case mad would still be bad unless they changed the words around in which case people would like it when others made them mad. I'm turning in now G'night!" Iolaus and Hercules stared after her in bewilderment and exchanged worried looks.
"Okay" Iolaus commented.
***
Iolaus awoke to the smell of breakfast. He opened his eyes and saw Gabriel kneeling over the fire. He sat up with a confused expression on his face.
"Good morning Iolaus!" Gabriel said cheerfully.
"Uh hi. When did you get here?" he asked seeing Xena and Herc walking up.
"What are you talking about Iolaus? They've been with us for a while now," Hercules told him. Iolaus stared blankly at them all. Dagan woke up when she heard the voice and looked around. She didn't know where the new people had come from, but she saw the dazed look on Iolaus's face and grinned maliciously.
"Good morning Xena, Gabriel. Sleep good?" Iolaus looked helplessly over at Dagan and sighed in defeat.
It wasn't long before Kirk, Spock, and Bones awoke, and everyone ate. They packed up their supplies, which had appeared out of no where the night before, and went on their way.
"Hey, Herc weren't we supposed to be meeting um, Morrigan's ship yesterday?" Iolaus asked hesitantly.
"What?" Kirk asked turning to Herc and Iolaus. Dagan slapped him in the back of the head.
"Herc, not Kirk no one's talking to you!"
"How did you know about her?" Hercules asked. Suddenly Spock perked up and turned to Hercules.
"Is that where we've been traveling to?"
"I dunno," Herc replied. "Iolaus, where were we going?"
"Well I thought we were going to find Morrigan's ship. I don't know now." Kirk spun around pulling out his phaser, pointing it at Hercules.
"You know exactly where we've been going! You're taking us to your secret layer which you call Olympus! You're not really Hercules! You just want to destroy my SHIP!" Kirk snarled derangedly. The entire party of people stared at him confoundedly. Xena raised a hand.
"Um now that we're established as being in the story, Gabriel and I are going to go uh follow a side plot or something. Think you can handle everything here?"
"Yeah, no problem," Herc said.
"Good idea Xena!" Gab said.
"We'll be back before the climax of the story."
"Bye," Iolaus called as they walked away.
"Admit it! This is just all a plot against meeee! Against MEE!" Kirk screeched in an unusually high voice.
"Um, not really," Herc said flatly.
"LIAR!" Kirk screamed aiming the phaser at them. "Give me your phasers and I'll spare your lives!"
"We don't have phasers," Iolaus said.
"Look, it's going to be all right" Herc began, but was cut off by Kirk's shouting.
"Shut up, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!" He screamed pointing the phaser at Iolaus's chest, preparing to squeeze the trigger when Dagan clobbered him from behind.
"Bad doggie!" she said picking him up of the ground. She ripped the phaser from his hand and tossed it on the ground at a stunned, Bones' and Spock's feet. She passed her hand in the air over the phaser. It immediately ignited, melting the cheap plastic.
"How many times do I have to say, 'we don't play with fire!'."
"Poor innocent girl have they fooled you too? Bones? Spock?" Herc stepped over and handed Dagan a rope with a smile and a nod.
"We'd better keep a close eye on him for now."
"Ya think?!" Dagan replied sarcastically as she none-too-gently tied up the captain.
"Make it really tight," Iolaus added.
"No argument there!"
"I don't know what could have happened. He was fine just a few days ago," Bones said looking down at the melted plastic at his feet. Dagan only shrugged.
"Why don't you guys take him back from where ever you came from?" she said hopefully as she wound the rope about Kirk's neck in a make-shift leash.
"As I recall, your sister disabled our communicators, making it virtually impossible to contact the Enterprise, therefore equally impossible to beam up," Spock recited as if reading some words from a computer.
"Kay" Dagan replied baffled, but cheerful as ever, "then can I kill him?"
"No."
"Why? What would happen if I did?" she asked, slowing down as a startling familiar nerdy man appeared.
"If you kill the main character of any television show with no intention of bringing him back in any form within the next two episodes, it would create a paradox. In short, no offense Iolaus, all life everywhere would cease to exist."
"Cool!" Dagan shrieked forming a fire ball in her left hand.
"NO!" Bryn yelled appearing beside Dagan and extinguishing the fireball.
"What? I never spoil your fun Bryn! Please! Tell me I can kill him!"
"Dagan, think. All forms of life cease to exist that means you as well!" Bryn said evenly.
"Oh yeah" Dagan replied dejectedly.
"Don't worry, we'll have fun torturing him later," Bryn said, then turned to the nerdy man. "By the way didn't I vaporize you already?"
"Well the people in exec. thought I should make another cameo appearance. So here I am."
"Well, there ya go!" Bryn said psychotically and them man combusted not so spontaneously again.
"Bye!" Dagan called cheerfully while Herc, Iolaus, Bones and Spock watched in horror. Kirk was staring blankly off into space, unawares of anything going on around him.
"Was that really necessary?" the nerdy man asked stepping from behind a tree.
"Eep!" Both woman screamed at the same time, jumping back. Dagan momentarily vanished, dropping Kirk on the ground, and appeared behind a baffled Iolaus.
"What the?" he asked ignoring the girl clinging fearfully to the back of his vest.
"Fascinating," Spock chimed in.
"I just watched that kid destroy you didn't I?" Bones asked.
"How can you be back?" Herc asked.
"Well I'm an employee of Renaissance Pictures and as such, incapable of being killed by any character there in."
"Kid!?" Bryn snarled, "Dagan I can see"
"Am not!" Dagan argued appearing before Bryn.
"You are too!"
"Am not!"
"Are too!" The argument lasted for a minute before Bones snapped at them.
"Children?!" Bryn and Dagan both stopped and glared over at the ship's doctor, an animal like growl coming from them both.
"Are not!" they both shouted at the same time as he disappeared.
"Where'd he go?!" Hercules asked looking around in confusion.
"We sent him back to his ship," Dagan piped up happily.
"Most interesting," Spock announced, drawing a shrug from the others. The nerdy man stared at the two girls blankly for a moment, then raised his hands as if to calm them.
"Alright, now kids" Dagan growled in annoyance.
"Are you not getting this? For a nerd you're pretty stupid!" she raised her hands and blasted him. He crumpled over. "You can spend the rest of the episode on their ship!" The man vanished from sight and then, there was total silence.
"Right. Shall we continue then?" Iolaus asked finally breaking the deafening silence.
"Sure why not?" Dagan said bouncing happily over.
"You have, a, serious, imbalance," Kirk stated, finally gathering some small amount of sense. Dagan backhanded him off handedly.
"Shut up!" turning and smiling once more. "He's really weird!" Bryn shook her head and vanished once more.
"Now where did she go?" Iolaus asked.
"Oh, probably off to establish that she really is the villain," Dagan explained.
"And you're not?" Hercules asked.
"N... no!" Dagan said flashing him her saddest puppy dog eyes. "I'm guarding you from the evil pervert!" she said zapping Kirk with energy.
"A rather valiant effort I'd say," Iolaus commented. They all shrugged and continued down the road.
***
"What crime did I commit in a past life to get stuck with such a sickeningly sweet sister?" Bryn asked the cow she was leaning on. The cow looked back at Bryn while it chewed it's cud. Bryn shrugged. "Ah well time to get to work I guess." The cow looked back at her again and continued eating. "You really ought to work on your social skills."
Bryn stepped away from the cow and started towards the village, tossing a fire ball in her right hand.
***
"Hercules!" A frightened villager screamed running up to the group. "My village is gone!"
"Where is it?" Iolaus asked. The man stared blankly at Iolaus for a moment and turned back to Herc.
"My village is gone!"
"Okay, what happened to your village?" Hercules asked him.
"It... it's gone!"
"Yeah, we've gotten that for. Let's go past it," Iolaus said.
"Oh right... um" the man stared off into space, actually getting a cue from off the set. "Oh! Some psycho girl walked through and the next thing we know, the village is burning to the ground!"
"Bryn! She's always been a bit of a pyro," Dagan said happily.
"We've got to stop her!" Hercules said bravely.
"Well really?" Dagan asked sarcastically, "'cause you know I hadn't thought of that." Iolaus leaned over to her and explained quietly.
"No, it's the end of the episode. We're doing a two parter, so Hercules gets to say something heroic, then we all look bravely at the screen. And tomorrow when the show ends and the conflict is resolved, someone will say something witty and we will walk away to the horizon."
"Oh!" Dagan said. "Sorry Herc!"
"That's alright," he replied with a smile and cleared his throat.
"We've got to stop her!" Iolaus nodded in agreement.
"For all of Greece!" They all stared hopefully at the screen with Dagan doing her best to smother her permanent grin with her own hopeful look.
TO BE CONTINUED...
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